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you make me dizzy, mister bizzy [12 Apr 2006|01:13pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

fading in and out of sleep, trying to keep my eye lids open, laying in bed with my phone close to my ear --waiting for that boy to call..

that feeling you get when you have a major huge crush on someone.
the butterflies (which are really just wasps in disquise).
the subtle glances from across the room.
"turn that frown upside down"
savor that touch.
[because girl, you know that's the closest you'll get..you're juss not good enough for him]

i want white daisies.
i want a mix cd.
i want someone to call me cute.

is that too much to ask? hmph.

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[11 Apr 2006|02:15am]
it's funny how one summer can change everything. it must be something about the heat and the smell of chlorine, fresh-cut grass and honeysuckle, asphault sizzling after late-day thunderstorms, the steam rising while everything drips around it. something about long, lazy days and whirring air conditioners and bright plastic flip-flops from the drugstore thwacking down the street. something about fall being so close, another year, another christmas, another beginning. so much in one summer, stirring up like storms that crest at the end of each day, blowing out all the heat and dirt to leave everything gasping and cool. everyone can reach back to one summer and lay a finger to it, finding the exact point when everything changed. that summer was mine

a smart girl kisses and never loves, listens and never believes, and leaves before
she is left.

we made promises we couldn't keep and every night we couldn't sleep. I didn't know why, but I didn't ask questions... because it was the first time in my life where I did something right. I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time. you pick me apart while I search for witty things to say and think that I'm impressed with your one night stands and your contagious kiss. I'm trying to get this right. yeah, cause I'm ridiculous like that.

cause i'd rather be a bitch than an ordinary broken heart.
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[05 Apr 2006|12:24am]
[ mood | chipper ]

i haven't been well, as much as i've tried to tell myself otherwise. i'm ready to be well. as close as i can get. i want to hide out in little towns, hide out in my room. cheers to comfort and finding it in the most simple of simple things. driving aimlessly at night, new street signs for my brain to digest, and my sweater that smells like week old love spell.

i'm looking for something called middle ground --
i can't seem to find it.
oh, and if you see content tell them to gimme a call, too.

time for eleventybillion naps.
see, go to bed w prom queen hair, wake up responsible.

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" hang on, i'll get up when everything stops spinning, hang on" [27 Mar 2006|02:01am]
[ mood | cranky ]

so last night was one of a kind.
chris gets the good bestfriend award of like, all bestfriend awards for putting up with me. again.
& for singing 'the line' to me. trontonlakes.
here's to kyle for walking to my car with me so i wouldn't get hurt on the way there. and for thinking i have a baby bc keara's carseat is in the back of my car and for comparing me to brighid. which got him kicked outta my car. hah, can't wait to see him @ the show in rc. soo adorable!
they're two absolutes in life: great friends and vodka. thumbs UP to drinking with the plunket crew.
there's icecream all over my passanger seat and i'm not sure how it got there but it wasn't there saturday afternoon.
i don't know what happened after i left, but freak dancing by myself on the way back to the apt was pretty awful/amazing.
Stu and 3 boys were at the apt when I got back there. they were playing cards.
i ate two peices of bread w butter and layed in the bathroom for a while.
when i woke up, i found myself sprawled out across the bed with a half packed bowl on the stand next to me and my cell phone under my leg, naturally.

baby, it's game season

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so quiet, another wasted night [22 Mar 2006|11:51pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Today was a pretty okay day.
I'll be honest, I got a little frazzeled over some things, no big deal though.
And I decided not to expect anything out of you anymore. I learned my lesson the hard way.
All my jealousy has turned into embarrassment..that I even gave you the time of day at one point.
Sometimes I wonder why I keep trying..and I keep skipping pages here. Part of me is ready to go. I'm ready to leave you and how ungrateful of me you've always been in this friendship. I'm ready to leave doubts -- yours, and yours and yours. If you're curious as to who this person is, try a music venue. He'll be the super adorable drunk in the back, feeding himself sympathy from girls that are willing. They're a lot of apples in your eye, and you know I really hate competition.

The whole non-situation (because it's never been brought up) makes me sad..so today I went and spent money on stuff I know I can't afford right now. I avoided being alone like the plague, that way the information I had been trying hard not to acknowledge wouldn't find it's way to settle under my skin. Mariah Carey came on in the car, so I text you. Later I got some groceries and bought a good album. Now I'm home, the information is settling, and I'm ready for a real long bath. This information changes nothing really, though.

Because I'm a sucker, and you mean the most.

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she had a bad day again [18 Mar 2006|10:24am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

my car broke down. i'm s'pose to be at camp.
see this entry?
so do i.

after breaking my car, i locked myself out of troy's place. so while i'm waiting for jumper cables and such, i'm enjoying playing around on his apple notebook.
ooooh, what a night it's been.

my car won't start, it's fallin' apart, i was late for work and the boss god smart. my pantyline shows, gotta run in my hose, my hair went flat..man i hate that.
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things that can't be classified as creative writing because you can't create facts [16 Mar 2006|10:32pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

now accepting advice on how to:

a) cease being such a self-centered waste of space because it's become my number one Life Ruiner
b) stop living in my head and bowl all the time
c) do three weeks worth of work that was due last friday, when i have never done more then a week's worth of work in my entire life, and at the same time, not get distracted by the following things: HPotter, my addiction to MySpace, breaking out into dance routines in my bathroom and trying to figure out why rubber duckies are yellow when real duckes are actually brown, grey, green, black, purple and sometimes y
d) use hair pins properly

- my backpack is a constant reminder that i really must do my work before monday
- last night, mike casey and i were watching a marathon of the shield, and then somehow we ended up at denny's in middelton in the middle of the night. apparently i drove?
- lately i feel like being less of an academic student and more of a slag

this is my life and it's ending one minute at a time.

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under the covers [09 Mar 2006|12:10am]
Her fists clenched tightly at the threadbare blanket.
Holding it ever so tightly over her haggard, forceless body.
Her head has been situated on the pillow for so long that she's certain there will be an impression of it if she so dared to move.
feeling almost solitary, yet knowing she's not alone.
the thoughts swarming through her head let her know she'll never be unattended.
if only she had enough comprehension to clarify each individual notion.
her head would be so empty, so desolate.
she further compresses her head into the pillow, staring at the contours on the wall, each having resemblance to another turmoil in her life, constantly confining her, constantly weighing her down.
she hesitates and slowly secures the cover over her head, now fully concealed, as if to escape; as if to conserve herself.
She has no knowledge of what time it is.
Time was never something her life possessed.
Dark nights and cold beds turn into her entire existance, everything she now knows.
She trades familiar faces for silhouettes, which strangely enough leaves her impassive.
People don't perceive the situation anyway.
She must be depressed, or maybe even bipolar. I think she's anorexic, too. She never eats and she's always confined to that bed of hers, sleeping away every moment of her life.
People make assumptions instead of figure out the truth.
They'll never grasp the reality of it.
The ups and downs are her reality, her solidity.
This whole cycle makes up her existence, her whole being.
Her eyes start to feel heavy and her lids begin to cease.
The cover is restraining her, allowing her little ability to comfortable breathe, but she lets her body do as it wishes.
She'll be asleep soon, temporarily severed from this so called subsistence.
These are the moments that she awaits, the moments when she can drift off and dream about endless possibilities until she has to succumb once again.
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I know a girl, right? Let me tell you about her... [23 Feb 2006|09:37am]
[ mood | crushed ]

when she was a really tiny girl she used to wear sundresses with bright pink snow boots in the summer and pet animals at the county fair.
she used to live on the lake, where she would walk to coffee shops and drink HOT tea in the summer, as well. she would always get home sweaty.
she does wild origional dances when she's in a happy mood.
she notices weirdo things about people.
she can be pretty nice.

and then the world got ahold of her.
she still wears snow boots with summer dresses, but she traded those coffee shops in for bars quite a while ago. HOT tea became the liqour that burned her insides and now she only dances when she lose's control.

she use to be a fun person to be around, but now even her closest friends are distancing themselves from her. he use to enjoy talking to her, now he dreads the news he's going to get at the end of the day.
"quit fucking up..it's not that hard," he tells her.
"you use to be someone who inspired me, someone I was proud of".
now she's just another hopeless cause he couldn't save.
you were suppose to SAVE ME FROM MYSELF
don't blame yourself boy, she was set to crash before she even took off.

she'll be okay, she always is. she always has been. and even though her own family and her closest friends can't stand to watch her anymore, she'll be okay. no help from them.
if anything..
she'll be okay just to proove them wrong.
she'll graduate. she'll go to college. she'll find someone who will love her for who she is -- flaws and all.
let them watch her as she doesn't self-destruct again.
and even though he probably won't stick around long enough to see the final results, she'll let him know.
she'll let him know how much he meant to her.
if it's not to late.

....don't look back, you'll fall.

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this is goodbye, she said. [12 Feb 2006|02:19pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Chris: "friends stay side by side, in life and death you've always stole my heart, you'll always mean so much to me, it's hard to believe this"
Ash: "it makes you think about the life you've lead, the shit you've done, the things you've said, and it's grounding. I've been feeling three feet tall this month, hardly indestructable, but the snow melts and the rhythm still goes on."
Chris: "these nights in vans, these nights in bars don't mean a thing with empty hearts."
Ash: "next year I'll be holding on to anything nailed down."

today has been a, "messy hair, stay in bed all day, lifetime movie network, sappy music" kind of day.
and I don't see it getting much better.

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look at this photograph, everytime I do it makes me laugh [05 Feb 2006|10:37pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

there are certain bands and songs and photographs that, when heard or seen, immediately upset me, simply because they jolt me back to memories of people or times when I felt like things would stay the same forever. all in all, there are many songs out there that I can't listen to without it altering my mood.
regardless of how much I don't want to admit it, there are some things in my past that I really need to work on getting over. memories stick to me like glue.

i don't believe that time really heals anything, I just think it spreads you farther and farther apart from it until it's gone.

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once I thought I found love, but then I realized I was just out of cigarettes. [29 Jan 2006|11:02pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Where the girls wear short skirts, the boys play Football and Beer sells more than sex.

Somewhere between unbelievable weather changes and superficial friendships, we found eachother.

We've tried our best to lead a profound life. Incidentally of beer bongs and sexapades, but a profound life nonetheless. It's so much easier when you just don't care. We have a bottle of vodka in the back, and we're off. You grab the wheel, I'll take the camera. With our drinks in one hand and a cigarette in the other, the world doesn't matter.

We can usually be found either surrounded by friends around a table playing a third round of Waterfall or in a basement fishing pingpong balls out from under the table. We make a habit of being selfish; this year is suppose to work for us. Cross our fingers for having things go as planned. The difference between Us this year and Us last year is the fact that we've discontinued contemplating whatifcould'veshould'ves about the night/week/month/year before.

They've probably anticipated this scenario. We're unpredictable, but everyone knows we love having after parties and not checking out until six in the morning. Our friends ask us when we're going to start living our lives right. Oh Mother Dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And girls, they want to have fun.

High School was the best and worst times of our lives thus far. We had no complexes and we haven't changed much. We lay on the bed discussing stories through photographs and we secretly realize that we never took the time to get to know those around us -- we were always too busy with ourselves.

We can replay moments of loud music, cigarette burns and undefined lengths of previous friendships. We make a passtime of memorizing songs and staying up late. We know each other like we know where the one-ups are in the first five levels of Mario. We know each other's details, and that's enough.

It's been twenty-nine days since the new year started, and so far every day has topped the last. Every weekend reigns the best ever; every person becomes our family. Since I'm convinced it will never fail me, the future is something I've started looking forward to instead of fearing.

I'm not sure what this year has in store for us, but I'm sure it will be the best year ever.

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bestfriends are love. [25 Jan 2006|07:19pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

today the bestfriend and i had a play date.
we sat on my bed and made funny faces in my mirror.
we played firefighters and followed the trucks out of town.
we drove around with the windows down blasting kelly clarkson.
AND, she made me pretty by dying my hair. now it's a pretty light brown instead of the mess that it was before. pictures soon!

i love carrots and american idol. mama made me honey carrots tonight and my tummy loves them. and i didn't get any rice because holly and my sister stole it all, boo dat!
oh, a new law&order is on tonight! YES.

my world is right again.
for the time being.

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Harry Potter makes me smile BIG [20 Jan 2006|03:35am]
[ mood | chipper ]

Tonight I played bartender, which you really shouldn't let a tipsy girl do.
I probably spilt more worth of stuff than a small country's turnover is in a year.
Amongst other things I broke not one, but two glasses.
I even "accidently" started an ice war from across the bar with Mel.
Eventually I gave up and let Chris go back to doing his job -- he's much better at it than I am.

This will probably be my last update until either late Sunday night or Monday..this girl is leaving tomorrow for a weekend camp in Horicon for Drum Corps. It's not that I wouldn't love to stay and provide you pooper scoopers with a few consecutive paragraphs of entertainment over the weekend, it's just that I need to step it up and get some major practice time in ASAP. Pray that I don't, die..or something.
So call me, text me, anything that will make me feel someone connected to the outside world since I'll be spending two nights and three days in a high school gym. I'll love you long time, promise.

PeeEss: There's this random beeping noise in my room and I can't, for the love of me, figure out what it is, but it's really distracting for a girl with a short attention span.

Quote of the night:
Chris: You wanna blow something?! Well it ain't gonna be over the counter!
Unless I'm standing on it!

Greatest bartender EVER. End of story.

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i flipped the cards over and saw hearts. i folded and said, "i don't deal with love." [07 Jan 2006|02:44am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Due to circumstances beyond my control, this journal will now be select-friends only.
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Ashley = Always Second Best. [28 Dec 2005|01:06am]
[ mood | jealous ]

Sometimes, people piss me off.
A lot of the time I'll go out of my way to do something nice for them and then I get blown off for someone more important: (girlfriend, friend, whatever.)

Point being...
You've been dissapointing me a lot as of late.
Just thought you should know.


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Le Sigh [23 Dec 2005|09:23am]
[ mood | weird ]

It's hard to sleep with a guilty conscious.

I feel like I'm going to puke.

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jingle bells! [21 Dec 2005|09:01pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Last January:
1. Did you have a new year's resolution this year? Many, none of which were kept.
2. Who kissed you at midnight? thebestfriend, Holly Marie (hah.)
3. Does it snow where you live? Yes. Way to much, do you want some? Here, take it.
5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop? Mmmno. Someday.

1. Who was your valentine in 2005? Again, Holly Marie.
2. What did your valentine get you? Oh geez, I don't remember.
3. When you were little, did you buy valentines for your whole class? YES!

1. Are you Irish? enough to have the Irish temper.
2. Do you wear green on St. Patty's Day? of course I do.
3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2005? went around poking people who weren't wearing green.

1. Do you like the rain? yup.
2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year? Yes, I convinced Holly's at-the-time boyfriend that she was breaking up with him. (It was also his birthday). I know, I'm so mean.
3. Do you get tons of candy on Easter? a shit ton.

1. What's your favorite kind of flower? white daisies.
2. Do you like the spring? yes, because then I know that summer is on the way!
3. What would you think of as a spring color? yellow and baby pink.

1. What year did you graduate from school? I haven't yet. Next year.
2. Did you go on any vacations last June? California.

1. What did you do on the 4th of July? I went with Clay and Terri and we sat on the lake watching the boats light of fireworks (I was still living in Lake Geneva at the time).
2. Do you go on any vacations during this month? No, but I practically lived in Madison.

1. Did you do anything special to end off your summer? Not really. We still like to pretend that it's summer.
2. What was your favorite summer memory of '05? hmm, probably the three week period where Flac and I got stoned every single night. lots of good stories there.
3. Do you go swimming a lot in the summer? when I lived right on Lake Geneva I did. I was so spoiled.
4. Do you go to the beach a lot? see above.

1. Did you attend school/college in '05? haha, barely.
2. Who is/was your favorite teacher? Fav-RO! FFA Convention 03, need I say more?
3. Do you like fall better than summer? pshNO!

1. What was your favorite Halloween costume ever? this kid who was dressed up as a thing of jello who ran around handing out jello shots.
2. What's your favorite candy? I like bit-o-honey.
3. What did you dress up like this year? Marilyn Monroe. And last year.

1. Whose house do you usually go to for thanksgiving? my house.
2. Do you love stuffing? meh, it's okay.
3. What are you thankful for? my family, holly, chris, alcohol and that beyond all belief, I'm alive and breathing.

1. Do you celebrate Christmas? Yes.
2. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe? no =(
3. What do you want this year for Christmas? my ipod, which I'm getting.
4. What's the best present you ever got for Christmas? a poem Holly wrote for me (three Christmas's ago?)
5. Do you like cold weather? no. it needs to be snowy and cold for Christmas eve and day and THAT'S IT.

New Year's Resolutions 2006-
+ to work my ass off in Corps and for the Corps to have an amazing season.
+ to stop sleeping around.
+ cut WAY back on the drinking.
+ NOT have a major blowout with Holly.
+ stop the drugs.
+ cut lose people who are no good for me.
+ stick with a job instead of getting bored and quitting.
+ get my third tattoo.
+ avoid ALL tickets at ALL costs.
+ quit letting people down.
+ graduate!!!!!
+ not run into anybody's mustang with the jeep because I'm pissed at them *snicker*

basically, get my act together, pull my head out of my ass, work, attend the few classes I have, quit doing stupid shit and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

as Christopher said, "It may not all happen in 2006, but you have to start somewhere."

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or you could be a jackass, whatever. [21 Dec 2005|05:32pm]
[ mood | angry ]

Dear ETA Records:

I hate you. I'm glad we're over. It was a tumultuous two months, I almost cracked under your abuse. But I survived. Let's hope the next Record Label I try and help doesn't take advantage of me like you did.

The girl who had to drive her little butt to Madison on a regular basis to do your stupid dirty work and run around from place to place picking up this and buying that, just to make you happy.

He makes me want to shoot myself in the head. Remind me again why I wanted to work for ETA?

I understand that you're pissed that I hooked up with Tyler, but boy, don't harass me about not doing every little thing you asked; I worked my ass off for you. I understand that you're frustrated and angry that kids didn't show up to the origional meeting, but did you ever think it wasn't due to my lack of recruiting, but their lack of interest?

People are jackasses. I love that I'm rude back. I'm not rude to everyone, but if you attack me and yell at me, I have every right to defend myself/yell back. I don't have to bend over and take it like I did when I first offered to help ETA (semi-metaphorically speaking...I feel that statement might be misconstrued by those of little intelligence).

See what Christmas does to people? It makes them nasty, ungrateful, and mean, AND they yell at tiny little girls like me and expect me to smile and say, "I understand" in return. I may be small, but I can yell a lot louder than you.

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ho ho ho and eight bottles of rum [15 Dec 2005|02:06pm]
[ mood | blah ]

A memo to the drunken loves of my life [i.e.: The Crew]


WHEN: Saturday, Dec. 17, 2005 [Evening to wee hours of the A.M.]

WHAT: Booze, bands, and pictures and video that'll prevent you from obtaining a government position in your future.


xo ASH
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